Don’t eat carbs. Ever. Not just the obvious ones like breads and pastas, but the surreptitious ones, too. I’m looking at you, carrots and bananas. If you must eat a carb, let it be a blueberry.
Eat fat. Lots and lots of fat, especially in the form of cured animals, fried eggs, butter, and mayonnaise. Gold star for any coffee drink that out-fats a double Big Mac. Your brain needs fat, but only if you starve it of sugar first.
Don’t eat fat. It’s killing your liver, and God only knows how your arteries are faring.
Sugar is evil. It’s worse than cocaine. We’re all addicted to it because of the sugar lobby that prompted the “low-fat” (read: high-sugar) fad in the eighties. Or maybe it was the nineties? Somewhere around then, anyway. I was too strung out on low-fat Skittles to notice.
Eat sugar (glucose). Your liver needs it in order to cleanse your body of all the shit you’ve been putting into it because of these other crazy diets.
Gluten is an inflammatory jerk that was never meant for human consumption. It is the source of all our problems, including brain fog, arthritis, poorly fitting pants, and your inability to get tickets to a Taylor Swift concert.
Gluten is a delicious and inexpensive carb that offers the body and brain useful energy. It helps us feel satiated, both biologically and emotionally.
Dairy is part of a healthy diet, and a tasty way to get protein and calcium.
Are you a baby cow? No? Then stop drinking milk. It leaches calcium from our bones and it’s making us all snore and fart.
Lentils, chickpeas, and beans provide more easily digested protein and nutrients than meat.
Lentils, chickpeas, and beans are full of poison that will destroy your digestive system.
Meat is killing you and the planet. Do the rain forest a favor and become vegan.
But don’t eat soy!!! It’s over-processed and mimics estrogen, so you’ll be a hormonal mess.
Determine where your ancestors are from. Eat what they ate, unless it’s any of the foods listed above.
Peanuts are out to destroy the world. They’re full of mold. No one wants them around, except Hershey’s.
Eat organic, unless the food came from more than a hundred miles away. Then eat local. Unless it’s all potatoes and carrots. Then drink water, but only if it’s filtered and dechlorinated and has been left standing overnight.
You may as well avoid yeast, corn, eggs, all nightshades, and any FODMAP foods.
Coffee seems to be O.K., as long as it’s fair-trade and you don’t put any weird shit in it.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Only eat within an eight-hour window and certainly not right when you wake up or within four hours of bedtime. Your body has just been conditioned to be hungry outside of those hours. You have to show that bitch who’s boss.
A light snack before bedtime can help you sleep, as it will suppress an adrenaline surge in your brain at three in the morning.
Drink green smoothies.
Vegetables were meant to be chewed.
Drink lemon water.
Lemon water will disintegrate your tooth enamel.
Stop talking about food and your body. It’s the least interesting thing about you! It’s boring and of no interest to anyone.
I think that just about covers it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for lunch. ♦